Dear Main Street,
Please understand our need to ban the short ETF’s, along with naked short selling. For your protection, we want to ensure that anybody with a few thousand dollars to invest is also precluded from driving down markets with nasty rumors. After all, everybody should be treated equally.
Also, we would like to take this time to announce the re-introduction of an RTC style entity to buy up bad loans. Only this time, please understand the potential necessity of also buying back many other countries’ bad debts too, since AIG, LEH, MER, WM, etc. have spread their CDO’s and CMO’s (and some other O’s that nobody remembers what they stand for) all over Europe and Asia too.
Please understand our need for quick action, that can’t be delayed with trivialities like voting, or that old check and balance system. We need to get our hard working Wall Street boys back to stimulating the economy so we can trickle down jet skis and Starbucks coffees.
It is a regrettable outcome that $trillions in bad debts must be passed to the American taxpayer. But we want you to know that we listen. It was your demands, which prompted us to replace our old business model of charging commissions for trades on stocks, which went either up or down, to a more civilized model involving a flat percentage fee. Please understand that any similarity that exists between that old model and our new plan to stabilize markets, serves to promote the best interests of all parties concerned.
We ask for your patience as we roll out this plan to buy up the homes you folks are being driven from. We need to buy these homes at a small percentage of their previous value in order to stabilize our market. After we buy these homes with the capital we raised in the last few years, and secure them with artificially low, long term interest rates, we can finally let go and let inflation do its job of increasing real estate portfolio values, so that we can, in turn, make a fair profit by selling a more stabilized version of these homes back to you on Main Street. And lest we relapse into a state of irrational exuberance prematurely, we call upon you upper middle class folks on Main Street to please stand by, as you too will be helped in this manner in due course.
At last we will be able to realize the fulfillment of our dream to reclaim our number one spot in the capital markets, away from those pesky Arabs with all their oil money… after all, its about patriotism at the end of the day.